Addendum

I've been pretty cynical about all the gifts WestLaw has been passing me this past semester, including a clunky, brass post-it note holder that came in an enormous, padded envelope a few months back. I used to have nothing at all to put my post-it note pad in (let alone something brass) so things are looking pretty swank around the home office. I thought they were just trying to buy me off, but I'm not cynical anymore:

I received a $5.00 starbucks card in the mail yesterday courtesy of WestLaw. They've won me over. I think they respect me as a person; as an individual who likes coffee sometimes, but not that often; a person for whom $5.00 will last through finals. Thank you, WestLaw, I'm going to let my guard down now. We can finally be friends. Do you play Scrabble? Let me fix you a drink, we have a lot of catching up to do...

April is the Cruelest Month

Classes for the first year of law school ended today, and it was, to say the least, anti-climatic. The closest any of us came to signaling that we didn't have to drag ourselves over to 250 Joralemon anymore (though I've heard people will continue to haunt the library in the weeks during finals) was the swell of applause that broke out at the end of Con Law. It was strange that of all the instructors we had this year, the one we clapped for was the one most likely to be embarassed by it. But like I've said before, our man Con Law has grown on us, and it was nice to let him know that we've appreciated him. Also, everybody felt guilty for not sending off our visiting Contracts professor in better style last semester, so maybe there was a little atonement there too.

I guess it's because for most people, the semester isn't really over until the last final is handed in (on Friday the 13th for the superstitious). But for me, law school has been a suprisingly social experience. On coming here, I'd made special plans not to get to know anybody, as I figured the nightly reading would give me more of a taste of legal culture than I could stomach. Thankfully for me, it turns out that it's a impossible way to live, and that the personalities involved in the law school experience are just as enduring as the work. So I'll hunker down in my dank little apartment and crunch together some outlines and look forward to the end-of-days party (Union Bar: Park & 17th), but for now, this is the way the semester ends, not with a bang but a whimper (more shameless cribbing from Eliot).

Hopefully, everyone else's attention spans have grown as short as mine, Judging by all the thousand-yard-stares I saw in the courtyard, we're in the same boat. Torts final on Tuesday.

Religious Inspiration

Today I took a practice test for torts. I heard there were over eighty issues in the last exam, which is way more things than I know about the law. period. If I had to write every legal-leaning word or phrase I knew, I could maybe get to twenty, tops. Getting to eighty in the next two weeks is going to be a true effort. It's times like these that a man considers religion.

But not catholicism. Not with the new pope anyway. Not to disrespect anyone's religion or anything, but cardinals, you have elected one mean looking bastard as God's new representative on earth; a pontiff whose resemblance to a certain Emperor Palpatine has not gone unnoticed. It's especially offensive when you consider just how dashing the last pope really was. Sure, he was pretty conservative, but who didn't like the guy? pope mobile and all. It must be particularly disappointing for catholics in the developing world (where 70% of all catholics live) who haven't seen a church leader from a least-developed country since... well, since Jesus.

I'll keep shopping for religion, but in the meantime, I'd advise everyone to follow Menlove's advice and go rate your professors. Especially if you have good things to say about Mazzone. I like that guy more every day. Sure, he started out kind of nervous, and I don't know if he actually likes any of us (remember last semester when he told us not to worry about grades, because thanks to the curve, it's impossible to fail all of us?) but I've definitely warmed up to the guy in the past few months. I wish I could say that for everyone else who's teaching me this semester.

Rule 12(b)(6)

I'm starting my Civ Pro outline, sort of as penance for not having gone to class this semester. While doing my FRCP 12(b)(6) "motion to dismiss" section, I remembered that I had read this on someone else's blog long ago, way before I knew/cared what it meant. Without further ado:

If you’re havin’ claim problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one

[Verse One]
I got Cravath & Co. on the fact patrol
Foes that wanna make sure my claim is closed
Posner is sayin my pleading’s all toast
I’m from HLS stupid what kind of tacks are those?
If you drew up your prose meetin’ rule ocho
You think you gotta be more specific? No!
I’m like “check Conley; kiss my whole asshole”
If you don’t like my pleadin’ you can get turned-over
Got beef with judges if I don’t pass them show
They don’t permit my ‘mendments where ain’t undue prejudice WHOA
Them defendents all try ‘n relate back
So clients can pin my Doe for real…losers
I don’t know what you take me as
or understand the intelligence that Dean Kagan has
I’m from rags to Cambridge, Justice I ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me.

[Chorus]
99 Problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
If you havin claim problems I feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me

[Verse Two]
The year is ‘94 and in my trunk is raw
In my rear view mirror is the motherfuckin’ law
I got two choices y’all pull over the car or
Bounce on the devil; dump due process on the floor
Now i ain’t tryin to see no litigation with jake
and 1988’s on my side i can fight the case
But I…pull over to the side of the road
And i heard “Son do you know why i’m stoppin you for?”
Cause I’m Vinnie Capasso and I got garbage to throw?
Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know
Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo?
“Well you missed your last payment that malomar”
“License and registration and step out of the car”
“Are you aware of your rights? I’m sure a lot of you are”
I ain’t steppin out of shit – 14th amendment you bitch”
“Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?”
Well you ain’t got authorization and you ain’t got no facts
And I know my rights so you don’t got due process for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack are you some type of lawyer or something?”
“Or some section 4 kid or somethin?”
Nah I ain’t pass the bar but I know a little bit
Enough that you won’t illegally replevin my shit
“We’ll see how smart you are when your notice comes”
I got 99 problems but 12(b)(6) ain’t one
Sue me

[Chorus X2]

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
A student like myself had to hold a depo
This was not a depo like with a tape recorder
But a depo with my fist and a crowbar
I tried to 27(b) him, get him to talk
Pray for him, cause next time he ain’t gonna walk
You know the type, pointin’ to 26(b)(3)
Saying “that’s privileged bitch, you gettin’ nothing from me”
The only thing that’s gonna happen I’m gonna get ‘em on the stand
Gonna outdo what those retards in In Re Shell Oil can’t
And there I go trashin’ your privilege again
And if you don’t go complyin’ I’ll 37(d) yo ass
In-house council on the floor cryin’ again
Paralegals with they billables rackin’ them
Judge goes and tries to bring up Control Group Theory
That’s crap, but then I’d get your lower-level employee
All because these fools was harrasin’ me
Tryin’ to play this boy like he’s in section 3
But ain’t nothin sweet ’bout how i hold my Mont Blanc
I got 99 problems but this claim ain’t one
Sue me

[Chorus X3]

It kills me to think that people this creative are wasting their time in law school. From somebody at Harvard Law, and I first saw it, I think, on The Volokh Conspiracy.